This is Part 10 of our Support Protocols for 14 Common Situations series. The cases described in this series are drawn from everyday scenarios found in general veterinary practice or emergency and specialty practices. Below you’ll find an example of a type of case you’re likely to encounter in practice. This blog’s subject is a case involving helping children with pet loss.
Situation: Helping Children
Situation: Helping ChildrenYour client Mrs. Smith is trying to calm down her young son, Jimmy, after the death of their cat, Midas. Standing over him, she murmurs, “Jimmy, the doctor couldn’t save Midas. He was too badly hurt when the car hit him, and he’s gone now. We can’t see him anymore.” But Jimmy cries, “No, no! I don’t believe you! Midas is in that room! I want to see him!” Then Jimmy collapses onto the floor, crying, kicking, and flailing his arms.
Mrs. Smith, still standing, explains, “You can’t see him, Jimmy. Midas is gone.” “He is not gone!” Jimmy screams. “You’re lying! I want my Midas!”
Assessment: What’s Going On Here?
Children often grieve just as deeply as adults. However, until children reach the age of eight or nine, most do not possess the ability to think rationally about death or to verbally express their needs and feelings surrounding their grief. Thus, many children act out their grief through pretending, drawing pictures or telling stories, or even misbehaving. Expressions of anger and irritability, such as Jimmy’s tantrum in the example above, are often due to the child’s feelings of confusion and loss of control and his or her inability to verbally express these feelings.
Cases involving children are tricky. Some parents view any suggestion about helping children through the grief process as unwanted interference. Your well-meaning comments about how to deal with children’s grief may put some parents on the defensive, especially if they think you are criticizing their values or parenting styles.
However, most parents sincerely want to help their children and will be open to your ideas if you offer them in a gentle way. This is a good time to acknowledge whatever a client is already doing to include a child in the grieving process and to normalize the child’s behaviors and feelings. This acknowledgement lets parents know you recognize that they want to be responsible, protective parents. If you have children yourself, you can also use a brief self-disclosure story, relating any methods you have found personally useful for helping children deal with pet loss.
Plan: Support Protocol for What to Say and Do
Lay the Foundation (Step 1)
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Educate Parents about Helping Children
Whenever possible, educate parents about helping children with grief before their pets die. Remember most people operate from a host of misconceptions about normal grief. When parents are uninformed about normal grief and the best ways to prepare children to deal with it, they may expect too much from their children (or leave them out entirely) and inadvertently cause them emotional harm.
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Referrals
If you are not comfortable educating parents about the needs of children before pet loss occurs, refer them to a reputable website or local grief counselor who has experience helping others to face pet loss. You can also make books and other resources about helping children deal with pet loss available to your clients.
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Encourage Inclusion
Encourage parents to include children in decision-making and to trust and honor their children’s requests. With preparation and support, even young children benefit from making their own decisions and facing their own fears. If a child wishes to attend the euthanasia of their pet or to view the pet’s body after it dies, it is usually better to allow this than not to. As long as the child is well prepared for what they will see and do at these times, and supported emotionally throughout each experience, these are ways of helping the child to say goodbye to a beloved pet.
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Encourage Honesty
Encourage parents to be honest with their children. When parents lie to their children about a pet’s death, it is not because they are malicious, but because they want to protect their children from further pain. The lie, in their minds, serves to blunt the harsh reality that would frighten the child. Yet, lies create confusion and mistrust. If parents ask you to collude with them in a lie about a pet’s medical condition or death, please interpret the request as a plea for help. Gently decline to do so and use gentle confrontation, immediacy, and written materials to offer to assist parents in telling their children the truth about the pet.
Implement Support Techniques (Step 2)
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Structure the Environment
If, like the scenario at the beginning of this section, the situation requires immediate intervention, use touch, direct eye contact, and attending behaviors to calm the child and active listening to really hear what the child is asking for. Then, as much as possible, advocate for the child’s needs to be met. Before you intervene, remind yourself to be kind, respectful, and nonjudgmental. Don’t take sides, and be sure your voice does not have a scolding tone.
- For example, in the opening scenario, you might use touch and eye contact to gain both the parent’s and Jimmy’s attention. You could squat down to be at Jimmy’s eye level and then, speaking slowly and softly, say, “Jimmy, Mrs. Smith, I can see how sad and difficult this is for both of you.” Then, structure the environment by getting them somewhere more private. If necessary, take Jimmy’s hand. Guide the parent by placing your hand on their arm or even putting your arm around their shoulders as you lead them toward a private area. You might say, “I’d like you both to come with me to a room where we can talk about Midas and decide what we can do to help you say goodbye to him. Jimmy, I promise we won’t move Midas until we’ve all decided what to do.” Once settled, you can facilitate a consensus regarding how everyone involved can best have their needs met.
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Prepare the Body and Set Expectations
If a companion animal has been injured and is cut, bloody, or disfigured in someway, take time to clean the blood away, bandage a wound, or at least remove the medical equipment you were using to try to save the animal’s life. Then, after explaining to the parent that it is often beneficial for children to view a pet’s body, and with parental permission, prepare the child with a description of the wounds and/or physical changes he or she is likely to see and offer the opportunity to say a last goodbye. Even though the pet has already died, viewing their pet’s body is almost always helpful to children because it helps them accept the reality of the pet’s death.
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Use Clear Language
When speaking with children, avoid using euphemisms and clichés like “put to sleep” and “gone to heaven.” Young children take what adults say literally. If they think their pet is sleeping, they also think it will soo wake up. In addition, for young children who go to sleep every night, associating going to sleep with never waking up can be a scary thought.
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Suggest Extra Support
During euthanasia, young children may cry one minute and ask if they can play outdoors the next. Suggest that parents ask a family member, friend or child-care provider to accompany them to your clinic the day of their pet’s euthanasia. This way, young children can be cared for while parents complete their goodbyes with their pets.
Stay Connected through Follow-up Care (Step 3)
- Being an instrumental part of teaching children how to face death and grief is the epitome of providing client support. There is simply nothing more satisfying. If you’re successful, you’ll help parents create more emotionally healthy children and more positive experiences with veterinary medicine.
- Direct your written condolences to the children as well as the parents. Children often hold veterinary professionals responsible for their pet’s death. When this happens, they can influence their parent’s choice of veterinarian by resisting any future interactions with you. When you support your young clients, they remain loyal and grateful to you and your staff.
- If you provide special keepsakes or memorials like clay paw prints, consider making one for each child in addition to the one you make for the family. Our 3-D Print Kit’s Self-Curing Molding Putty has the alternative use of making a very child-friendly keepsake. Learn more here!
- If parents ask your advice about adopting a new pet, it’s helpful to remind them that most children (and adults!) need time to grieve for their pet who has died and do not always want to immediately adopt another one. Presenting children with new pets too soon gives them the impression that loved ones who die are not unique or special and are easily replaced.
Helping Children: Role-Play Ideas
- For hospital managers and client care specialists: Use the opening scenario to practice supporting Mrs. Smith and Jimmy. Normalize and acknowledge feelings and practice using child-friendly language.
- For veterinary technicians: Use the opening scenario to practice how you would support Mrs. Smith and Jimmy. Practice how you might refer Mrs. Smith to a counselor or grief support. Practice talking with Jimmy about Midas and see what his level of understanding is about death. Practice offering support.
- For veterinarians: Use the opening scenario to help Mrs. Smith and normalize Jimmy’s grief reaction about Midas to both of them. Provide helpful grief education and practice phrases or methods you can rely on for making referrals. Practice talking with Mrs. Smith about Jimmy’s level of understanding of death and grief. Answer sample questions a parent might ask in this situation.
Keep up the good work,
Laurel Lagoni
Co-Founder
World by the Tail, Inc.
