Sometimes you must “listen between the lines” to your clients when they begin to discuss pet adoption after loss. You can discern much about how clients’ grief is progressing by what they say about this subject. You can help clients make this decision when it is the right time (and keep them from rushing into acquiring a new pet when they are not yet emotionally ready to take this step).
Pet owners who immediately adopt new pets are usually trying to avoid the sadness and loneliness of grief. You may hear a client say something like “I’m going out today to get a huge, gray tomcat who looks just like Jitters and I’m going to name him Jitters Jr.” Comments like that should alert you to the possibility that clients may be trying to bring their pet back in the form of an identical new companion animal.
Avoid Replacement Advice
At the other end of the spectrum are clients who make comments like “I’ll never get another cat. It’s just too hard on me to lose them. Besides, I could never love another animal as much as I loved Jitters.” Your first reaction to a comment like this is probably to say something like “Oh, you don’t mean that! Think of all the animals out there who need good homes. The best thing for you right now would be to go out and adopt a new kitten.”
However, this advice is almost never helpful. The “replacement philosophy” that commonly surrounds the death of a pet implies that companion-animal death is a relatively insignificant loss and that pets are easily replaced. In addition, giving advice, as opposed to active listening, tends to discount clients’ feelings and stop further conversation.
When clients say they’ll never own another pet, most don’t really mean it. Rather, the comment reflects the grief they feel about this pet’s death. If you acknowledge and validate your clients’ feelings instead of trying to persuade them to feel otherwise, you’ll provide more effective support. It’s usually more effective to simply paraphrase your clients’ comments, saying something like “It sounds like this loss is especially sad for you,” or “I can hear that the thought of a new pet is not very comforting right now.”
Helping Clients Think Through Pet Adoption After Loss
To help clients think through the consequences of pet adoption after loss, you might mention that even though two pets may be of the same gender and breed, they will not necessarily have the same temperament, whereas the new pet, if younger, may be more active. The new pet may also be untrained.
The client may have thought of the pet that died as a confidant and protector, but the new pet may seem more like an unruly, needy child. In other words, the new pet can never really replace the old one. The client must be open to getting to know a new animal. When the client expects one thing from a companion animal but gets another, they may not be able to form an adequate bond with the new animal. Then, on top of the grief the client is already experiencing, they will feel a sense of guilt, especially if the client decides that they cannot provide the new pet with a loving home after all.
When a Client is Ready
When grief progresses normally, a client begins to talk about getting a new pet in a positive way. The client will make a comment like “I miss having a dog in my house,” or “I’ve always been intrigued with schnauzers. I might try that breed this time.” Comments like these imply an interest in, rather than a desperate need for, a new pet. They tell you that the client has reached a stronger, more confident place in the grieving process and is now truly ready to explore the possibility of adopting a new pet.
And when your client brings in their new family member for a first visit, why not make a “Gotcha” ClayPaws Print of your client’s new pet to help them mark this important milestone? Our Gotcha Ribbon helps make a ClayPaws print a forever keepsake of a new pet’s first days. This empathetic and celebratory action helps to complete the circle of care and re-bonds your client to your clinic.
Keep up the good work,
Laurel Lagoni
Co-Founder
World by the Tail, Inc.